my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize