Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
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My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
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They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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