I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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