You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
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I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
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He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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