Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
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