Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize