i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
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I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
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I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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