Is it because I queefed?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
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The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
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Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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