If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
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