Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
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I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
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What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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