please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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