it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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