well I can't set my house on fire every night
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
