Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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