i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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