Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize