I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
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They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
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Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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