Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
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It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
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well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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