can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
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We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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