why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
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She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
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We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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