Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
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he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
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I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
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