It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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