I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
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I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
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I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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