you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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