I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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