If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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