thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
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please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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