I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
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I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
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Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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