Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize