pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
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ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
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How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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