seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
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my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
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He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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