The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
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Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
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When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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