I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
dude. I can hear the air.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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