help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
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You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
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... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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