I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
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my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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