Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
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I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
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Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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