Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
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Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
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I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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