Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Then you guys just all showered together...?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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