Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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