she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
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She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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