my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize