She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
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I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
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Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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