We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
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I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
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Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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