Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
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Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
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Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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