I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
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at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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