I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
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Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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