Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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