I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
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