they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
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I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
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I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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