and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
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Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
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Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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