You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
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I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
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You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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